This week, I have decided to talk about grooming. And what is there to groom on a bastard but his beard. Let's be honest; the greatest people who have ever lived had beards. Chuck Norris, Jesus, Chewbacca all had beards. "That clean shaven gentleman over there is quite manly," said no one ever. I read an article lately that stated women find men with heavy stubble more attractive than clean shaven, light stubble, and full bearded men. But this isn't a site for men looking on how to get women. This is a site for Sophisticated Bastards. Whats more sophisticated than well groomed facial hair? Whats more bastard than awe inspiring facial hair? So, with out further ado, let's see some of the most gently basterded (word? who cares) beards there are!

Badass Burnside

Ambrose Burnside was a true Sophisticated Bastard. Soldier, Railroad Tycoon, Inventor, Industrialist, Governor, and Senator! Was it his absolute manliness from his beard that caused his success? No one can say, but probably yes. How can you look at this man and not believe he can get stuff done! Is it any wonder he had this style named after him? If you can't grow it on your head, swing for the fences on your face.

The Biker

The Biker mustache aka The Horseshoe. Personally, my favorite mustache which means I will never be able to grow it. This mustache takes commitment. Every time you eat a sandwich you'll be contending with your 'stache for food rights. But do you think Hulk Hogan, James Hetfield, or Joe Namath would care? Sam Elliot doesn't care...and neither should you. Sarsaparillas all around!

Magnum Mustache

Do I have to explain this one? Oh wait, thats what I'm getting paid for. Wait, what? I'm not getting paid? *sigh. If there was one man in the 80's who symbolized manliness and defined a decade of mustaches, it was Tom Sellek. Women wanted to be with him, and men wanted to be with his facial hair. This style has been very popular with highway patrolmen...it might be required for the uniform.

The Klingon

If you want a truly unique man scape, go with the klingon. How does it get manlier than emulating an entire race of warriors who fight with giant bladed weapons and drink "blood wine." Go with the full beard or goatee style and be the talk of every Trek convention around...that doesnt sound too manly. But hey, maybe you can meet a nice green girl.

As I close I'm going to give you a few tips for facial hair:

1. Your hair on your head and the hair on your face can come in different colors. Remember your head is your boy hair, and your face is your man hair.

2. You're going to get gray hairs in your beard. Don't freak out! And don't use a beard dye. Otherwise your beard will not look uniform in color.

3. Shampoo and Condition! Rinse and Repeat!

4. Be creative and have fun...it will always grow back.


Well, that's all for now, but have no fear. We still have plenty of beards left...